Teaching Our Kids The Power of Forgiveness

Teaching Our Kids The Power of Forgiveness

When your child is hurt by someone - a sibling, parent, another child or adult – how do you teach your child to respond if and when that person apologizes? Do you tell them to say “that’s ok” or “I forgive you”? I’ve learned there is a huge difference. Sometimes we teach them to respond with “thank you”, but if we don’t follow up with the need to forgive, we put our child’s heart in jeopardy.

I was eaves dropping on my daughters one afternoon as they were working to resolve a conflict that happened earlier in the day. My oldest daughter, on her own, decided that she needed to apologize to her younger sister for hurting her. Hallelujah; praise Jesus.  Anyway, my youngest daughter sort of just stared at the floor and responded with a quiet, “That’s okay.”

Needless to say, I stopped singing my hallelujahs when I realized that I had not taught my daughter the best way to respond. What her older sister did to her was not okay! Teaching her to instead say, “I forgive you” would have been the best and most powerful response because it would’ve ushered healing to her heart and restoration to their relationship. But teaching forgiveness as a response leads us, as moms, to answer some difficult questions like: What is forgiveness? What is it not? Is forgiveness always possible?

I went in search of the answers to these questions. I am still learning, but what I found has helped me be a better teacher to my kids on the subject of forgiveness and has benefitted me personally as I navigate the offenses in my own life. Author and pastor, R.T. Kendall says in his book Total Forgiveness, “If we remain less-than-expert forgivers, we cripple ourselves in every area of life.”

I learned, first, that if we wait until we feel like forgiving, we will most likely never forgive. Forgiveness is a choice, an act of the will. Imagine if you just sat on the couch waiting to feel like exercising. Do you think you’ll ever feel like it? Not likely! And if you never get around to exercising, will you ever feel or see the benefits you would have received if you had just forced yourself to exercise? Nope! This is true for forgiveness as well. The benefits and feelings we are looking for will eventually follow, but we must first choose to forgive.

Here’s another word picture that your kids might enjoy. When my heart is hurt or offended, I see a prison door with thick bars slamming shut, taking captive Joy, Peace and Strength. Joy’s got her pudgy little face pressed up against the bars; her bright eyes watch me pace back and forth as I stew over the hurt. Peace quietly sits on the floor waiting patiently for me to respond. And Strength leans up against the wall, feeling kind of annoyed, and waits to be used to his fullest capacity.

Tell your kids that when they make the hard choice to forgive, they are at that moment, picking up the key that will unlock that prison door. They are setting free Joy, Peace and Strength to do what they do best. Forgiveness is not for the other person. It is for themselves.

Forgiveness is not saying that what the other person did is okay. It is not excusing it, justifying it, denying it or pardoning it. It is not forgetting it or pretending we are not hurt.

Forgiveness is acknowledging the hurt, but choosing to put the person in God’s hands to deal with, instead of trying to control the person with revenge, mean words, or gossip. Forgiveness chooses not to replay the offense over and over again. It’s a choice to choose love and good will towards the offender, instead of bitterness and hate. Obviously, if the offender is one of your other children, you partner with God in “dealing” with your child’s heart.

As moms, we get to shape the future of our culture by the way we shape our child’s heart. Let’s teach and model the shape of forgiveness. “Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others” (Colossians 3:13).

Anna Frye is a speaker, author, television host and founder of the Chosen and Crowned tribe. She invites moms and wives to celebrate imperfect progress fueled by the grace of a perfect God. She helps women bravely talk about the messy places of life, instead of hiding shamefully under them. She believes that lasting beauty comes when women courageously surrender their ashes to God and allow him to do something mind-blowingly amazing with them. If this resonates with you, then you belong with the Chosen and Crowned tribe. Connect at www.ChosenAndCrowned.com/blog