Sometimes I Don't Like My Child

Sometimes I Don't Like My Child

Sometimes I don’t like my children. Don’t misunderstand, I love them unconditionally, and if any of them would be ripped from my life, I fear it would leave a gaping hole so big that it would never heal. But sometimes I just don’t like them. Can I say that without CYS knocking on my front door or without being judged by other moms? Even saying those words out loud makes me feel like a horrible mom, but I wonder if you ever don’t like your kids too. Can we just be real and vulnerable for a moment? We never planned to sometimes not like them, after all they are flesh from our flesh. When the nurse laid my first child in my arms and I beheld his adorable perfection, I could not have imagined that such a bundle could ever test my patience and push me to the edges of my sanity.

It wasn’t long before that precious bundle was a toddler throwing himself on the ground in an ugly temper tantrum because I wouldn’t buy him Sugar O’s at the supermarket. Or how about the time when he was a grade schooler and instead of putting angry eyes on Mr. Potato Head, he put them on himself and started growling at me because I didn’t allow him to watch another hour of television. Most recently as a boy almost as tall as me and about to enter his teen years, he rushed toward me threatening, “Do you want hurt, Mom?” all because I had playfully put ice cubes down his back. He wasn’t playing though. He was mad. The disrespect in his eyes and the seriousness of his tone struck my heart like a knife. Although I didn’t, I wanted to push him back and threaten him with a few words of my own. Is it okay to admit that? Have you ever been surprised at your child’s ability to stir up hurt and anger in you? The Bible says “don’t sin by letting anger control you” (Eph. 4:26). In the past, I have allowed my anger to control me. This time I paused, took a deep breath and allowed the Holy Spirit to fill me with self-control. I’m so thankful, too, that at that precise moment my husband, who had been working outside, walked past the window where my son and I stood in our stare down. I immediately called him in, and together we properly disciplined our son for his sinful behavior.  

Within a couple of hours and after apologizing to me, my son was back to his jolly, easy-going self. Though I had forgiven him, my heart was wounded and I struggled to entertain his conversations. When I tucked him into bed that night, I struggled to rub his back, talk about his day and pray with him like I always do. That evening I didn’t like him. I loved him, but I didn’t like him. His behavior towards me earlier that evening was so repulsive. He had hurt me and the wound was still bleeding. After kissing him goodnight, I went in my bedroom to be alone and was reminded of this verse, “Surely I was sinful from birth, sinful from the moment my mother conceived me” (Psalm 51:5). There on my bed, God reminded me that although we are born innocent, all humans are born with a sinful nature. That includes me. That includes my son. My son’s sinful nature got the best of him that day. His sin wounded me and it was okay for me to need some space from him in order to heal.

Sweet mom friend, has your child’s sinful behavior wounded you? Do you sometimes not like your child even though you love him with all your heart? It’s okay. That means you’re human and your child is human. If you have allowed your anger to control you, ask God to forgive you. Apologize to your child and ask him to forgive you, too. Let God’s grace crash over you with every wave of difficulty that hits you in parenting. God’s grace will help you and your children ride out the storms together. As moms, it’s our job to help them stay in the boat of God’s will for their life. Teach and model Biblical principles and have the courage to discipline your child. Will they thrash against your authority? Probably. But we must hold on tight. Hebrews 12:11 tells us why, “No discipline is enjoyable while it is happening – it’s painful! But afterward there will be a peaceful harvest of right living for those who are trained in this way.”

Moms, our persistent, Godly discipline will produce in our kids a harvest of right living for them. What a gift! Discipline will allow our kids to share in God’s holiness instead of falling into the sea of sin. So take a new grip with your tired hands and strengthen your weak knees! Take your children by the hand and lead them in the way of the Captain. May God strengthen you and bless you as you persevere in your high calling as a mom. Thank you for allowing me to journey with you.

If Anna’s post blessed you, please SHARE it on social media. By doing so, you will strengthen another mom, as well as spread the impact of Anna’s writing and speaking ministry, Chosen and Crowned. Anna is the author of “Extraordinary You: Created to Live with Passion and Purpose.” You can order her book and/or subscribe to her blog at www.ChosenAndCrowned.com. She is also on facebook, twitter, pinterest and Instagram.