MAMA MONDAY: Do You Ever Feel Schizophrenic?

I read the definition of schizophrenia one day and couldn't help but laugh out loud. I felt like it described me in the especially trying and stressful stage of motherhood I was in. Schizophrenia is defined as a mental disorder characterized by abnormal social behavior and failure to recognize what is real. Common symptoms include false beliefs, unclear or confused thinking, auditory hallucinations, reduced social engagement and emotional expression, and inactivity. Diagnosis is based on observed behavior and the person's reported experiences.

I was pretty sure this described me in my current mental state as a mother of an infant and two preschoolers.

Let me start off by saying: I love being a mom. When the doctor placed my beautiful baby boy in my arms for the first time and he nestled into my breast, I could not imagine this perfect little bundle of joy ever pushing me to near breaking points of self control and rational thinking. When little bundles two and three came along within the next four years, I never knew my heart could experience such extravagant love. Little did I know that soon I would feel as if I was gasping for air, drowning in the demands of motherhood. 

I wanted so badly to have these babies. Why did I now question my decision? I thought for sure that my sanity was slipping away, that I would somehow cause my children to need therapy for the rest of their lives. Getting out of the house was too hard so I closed myself in. I wondered at how such adorable little people who came from my own body, whom I loved so much, could cause me such pain. Many had told me motherhood was such a blessing. I had said those words myself. "Enjoy every moment," said the little old lady in the grocery store. But the sum of the moments were exhausting. The demands were overwhelming. I felt defeated. Please, take me away. I am not cut out for this mom stuff.

I can remember standing at my kitchen sink one night, washing the dishes after I had put my wailing infant to bed. As I listened to her cries on the monitor, tears burst from my eyes and rolled off my face. "I can't do this, God!" I cried out. "It's too hard!"

My cries were interrupted by my 4-year-old who was outside playing in the yard. He knocked at the back door and I could hear him crying. "Good grief. What now!" I thought to myself. I was tempted to ignore his knocks, but when the knocks didn't stop, I conceded. I opened the door to his little, tearful voice. "I've been looking and looking for a flower to pick for you, Mommy, but I can't find one anywhere." He continued looking around as he spoke. Suddenly, he spotted a dandelion across the yard, ran to it, plucked it from the ground and brought it back to me with a smile that spread across his whole face. "This is for you, Mommy. I love you!"

And just like that, the tears came again. Mine, not his. "You are the best thing that ever happened to me," I said as I scooped him up in my arms and kissed his chubby little cheeks. I breathed out a quiet thank you to God and realized that just moments before I was shaking my fists at him. This day had been full of tears. Tears of defeat. Tears of exhaustion. Tears of joy. I had felt the lowest low and the highest high. 

Some moments I hate motherhood. Most moments I love it. 

It's all part of being a real mom. Kids can make us crazy. But right around the corner from crazy is pure joy and love like we've never known. If you're in a season today that is testing your limits of self-control and sanity, hold on tight. Know that you're okay and this is normal. Some mom stresses are so paralyzing and isolating. They need to be brought out in the open so we can be set free from their bondage! We need to be talking about these things instead of bottling them up inside.

As a mom who has survived and thrived through those stressful years of raising infants and preschoolers, I promise you that this difficult season won't last forever. In the mean time, surround yourself with other real moms who are honest about their day-to-day struggles. Also, cry out to God. He will help you. He has given you a spirit of love, power, self-control and a well-balanced mind. Really, he has. Finally, breathe. Breathe. Breathe. You are an awesome mom. You can do this. Really, you can. Your job is so important. All the little things you do matter. You're making a difference. I pray you find some moments today to pull your little ones close and feel that overwhelming love that only a mother knows. What a gift it is from God.

Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to be a mom. Thank you for entrusting your creation to my care. Help me to be the mom you made me to be. I lay myself at your feet and humbly admit that I need you every moment of every day. Forgive me for the ways I have failed my children. May your grace fill and overflow those gaps where I lack. Thank you for your deep, unending, never failing love for me, God. Amen.

"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help. He rescues them from all their troubles. The Lord is close tot he brokenhearted; he rescues those whose spirits are crushed. Those who look to him for help will be radiant with joy" (Psalm 34: 5, 17-18).