Fried Mommy Brain and God-designed Destiny

This mommy brain of mine is fried!   But it’s not for reasons you might think.   I spent hours this past week researching, writing and editing portions of a Bible study I’m planning to publish within the next several months.  I haven’t used my brain this much since before my first child was born more than 10 years ago.  Not that I didn’t use my brain a lot during the decade of raising my three babies through their preschool years, because I did.  It just often wasn’t for grown-up purposes.  All my brain cells were used on things like thinking up creative ways to convince a 2-year-old not to mash peas into his hair, but to eat them instead.   Other things I used my brain for were things like singing "Old McDonald Had A Farm" and making animal noises on the ride home from a playdate, so my preschooler wouldn’t fall asleep.  

During those blissful years of caring for my babies, I remember thinking that I could feel my brain turning to mush.  All those hours of Barney and Big Bird killed my sophisticated, grown-up brain cells and left me feeling like I may never be able to write or speak a deep, thoughtful word again.  No offense to Barney and Big Bird.  At times they were my sanity.  Kind of ironic when I think about it.

Now here I sit with seven hours of uninterrupted time everyday while my kids are in school.  These are the days I dreamed about for so many years while I cleaned up messes, wiped poopy bums and disciplined defiant toddlers. The days of PBS shows, spit up and potty training are in the past, yet those days are what shaped me into the woman I am today.  As I sit here surrounded by four walls that have been colored on by an artistic child, dented by a rambunctious preschooler and marked by a dirty-handed toddler, I am deafened by the eerie silence of this new season of motherhood.  I’m forced now to pay attention to the only person here: me. The problem is that this new me is someone I have to get to know again. Somewhere in this heart of mine are deferred dreams, quieted passions and undiscovered potential.  

Today is my day!  Today holds so much opportunity.  My God-given destiny awaits.  It calls to me and beckons me to come and see.  Yet my heart fights to find the courage necessary to take the next step.  The great big world that I couldn’t wait to experience suddenly feels overwhelming and intimidating.  It would be much safer to call a friend over for lunch or cozy up on the couch with a good book and cup of tea.  I allow my thoughts to drift, but the call to a great adventure with God tugs at my heart like my daughter used to tug on my hand at the playground. “Come on, Mommy! ” she begged with excitement.  “Let’s go!”  With care-free abandon she was off running, ready for a new adventure.

What is it about this new mommy heart of mine that causes me to play it safe when it comes to a new adventure.  Have I been bumped and bruised enough times on this playground of life to know better?  I wish I could be more like my daughter who fearlessly runs toward new adventures.

So here I sit in this new season of motherhood -- a season that makes a little more room for my other passions and giftings.  In the stillness of my empty house I’m faced with a choice.  Will I follow Jesus into a new adventure where I can use my passions and talents or will I stay where I’m comfortable and safe?  In the silence, I can hear Jesus call to my heart. He calls me to return to my dreams, passions and desires.  He reaches out his hand and says, “See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" (Isaiah 43:19).  Do not fear for I am with you.  Do not be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you.  I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

As I courageously put my hand in his, he reminds me, “You are my masterpiece.  I have made you new so you can do the good things I planned for you long ago (Eph 2:10).  By yourself, your dreams are impossible, but with me all things are possible (Mt. 19:26).  I am able to do immeasurably more than all you could ask or imagine.  I wish you could grasp how wide and long and high and deep my love is for you.  Your eyes cannot see, your ears cannot hear, your mind cannot conceive what I have planned for you, my child (Eph. 3:18,20).

And so my newest adventure with God has begun.  I’m pursuing my God-given dream of writing and speaking.  It’s overwhelming and exciting all at the same time.  It's brain-frying at times.  It’s harder and more wonderful than I thought it would be – kind of like the season of raising children.   I remember how scary it felt when I carried my newborn baby into this house where I sit typing this post.  The walls were freshly painted.  The carpet was new.  The furniture sparkled.  The house had not yet been marked with dirty hands, spilled milk and flying skateboards.  Yet the dirt and dents are part of what made that season wonderful and memorable.  

As I sit here today looking at the dents and marks left by my three beautiful children, I can move ahead into this new, unmarked chapter of my God-given destiny and know that even though I will get scraped, marked and dented on this adventure, I’m going to be ok.  In fact, I’m going to be great.  Joy, challenge and growth awaits.  And in just a couple hours, I’ll head to the bus stop and disappear into the craziness of homework, dinner, activities and bedtime prayers.  Yes, this mommy brain is feeling fried, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  Praise God for his abundant blessings.

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